Back Seat Conversations…

“Mama, I have a question.”  I hear that statement just about every time we are on our lengthy drive to and from school.  Sometimes I hear it 5-6 times in one trip!  I’m not sure what it is, but when we are riding in the car my children get the urge to contemplate life’s mysteries, and that inevitably leads to questions.  I have gotten everything from “What does that song mean?” to “Where did Ripley’s (our dog) body go when she died?” to “Why did God let there be diabetes?” to “How does a baby get in a Mommy’s tummy?”  to  “How did that Mommy get a baby in her tummy when she is not married?”  Yikes! 

Obviously, some questions are easier to answer than others, but I LOVE hearing these questions.  First of all, they give me a window into my children’s worlds.  I get a picture of what they are experiencing and how they are processing it.  Secondly, I get the opportunity to share not only what I know, but my values and beliefs.  I can make sure that the information they get is accurate, developmentally appropriate, and rooted in the faith that I hold dear and want them to hold dear.  Finally, I know that when my children ask these questions, they are saying they trust me and that what I have to say matters to them.  The more I am open to their questions now, the more likely they are to keep asking questions as they get older, and the more likely they are to keep listening.  I want that as much as possible, especially since I know the day will come when they think they and their friends know more than I do. 

Most of the time, I can answer my children’s questions immediately or with just a few moments of thought.  Sometimes they do manage to throw something my way that I’m not sure how to handle.  It is ok to say, “Hmmm.  That’s a good question.  I need to think about it.  Let’s chat tomorrow.”  The key is always making sure to follow through.  Also, I know that there are some things my children do not ask questions about that I need to make the effort to bring up.  Things that they have not yet encountered in life, but need to be prepared for.  I pray to God that they never have to experience someone attempting to touch them inappropriately, but I will make sure they know exactly what to do should it happen.  I have seen the repercussions of NOT doing that, and I want to spare my children that experience.  I also want to make sure that as my children grow and develop, that I take the time to prepare them for what their body is doing and will do.  Yes, I am talking about puberty and sex. 

I know some of those conversations can feel scary for a parent.  I know some parents fear that somehow they are compromising their children’s innocence by talking about such things.  The reality is that it can be pretty scary for your children to encounter things (especially things in their bodies) that they did not know to expect.  Knowledge is power.  Children with a good understanding about how their bodies work are actually more likely to make better choices about their bodies in the future.  I do not propose dumping all of the information on them all at once, but in small doses.  I actually have those conversations with each child separately, as they are 3 years apart, and have different needs.  And often, the kinds of questions I start to hear give me a good sense of what they need to know next.

So as summer approaches, I know there will be a temporary decrease in the frequency of the questions coming from the back seat.  I’m going to miss them, but I will be looking for other opportunities to listen and share.  Oh, and I know some of you are left wondering, “So HOW do I answer all of those tough questions, anyway!?”  I will make sure to cover it in another article after summer break.  Sorry to leave you hanging, but if you just can’t wait, send me an e-mail, or give me a call.  I’m always happy to answer questions.

Blessings in the Rain…

We had a very interesting and adventurous start to our day one cold and drizzly morning this February.  We were on our way to school when we suddenly found ourselves sitting in the shoulder of the George Bush Turnpike with a flat tire.  Not fun!  Surprisingly enough we were back on our way within 30 minutes and we only had to stand in the rain for ten of those.  As we were on our way again I made the statement, “Well, that wasn’t so bad.”  My youngest immediately responded with, “What do you mean, Mom?! That was HORRIBLE!”

Ah, that’s my girl.  She is a bright and bubbly thing, but she also has a flair for the dramatic and a tendency to focus on the negative.  Part of it is her personality, but I want to help her learn that how you think makes a big difference in how you feel.  It means the difference between having a HORRIBLE morning that leads to a BAD day, or having a bit of a challenging start that also had many hidden blessings in it.  So I took that moment to model some optimism. 

First, I acknowledged how she was feeling: “Yes, baby, that was not fun, and I wish it hadn’t happened.”  Then I moved into showing her the good things that happened to us even in the challenge: “But you know what, I noticed that God was looking out for us today.  Let’s say a quick prayer to thank Him.  Lord, thank you for sending us that gentleman who took the risk to drive in the shoulder to tell us we had a problem so our tire didn’t blow out.  Thank you for giving us a nice big piece of shoulder to pull off on so we were safe even in the traffic.  Thank you for sending the Tollway Authority person so quickly and with all of the tools needed to help us so fast.  Thank you, Lord, for looking out for us, even in the rain.”

There are a few very important things to remember when doing this, so as not to have it backfire on you.  Remember, I am talking about MODELING optimism.  It is about showing your children how you handle the difficult situations that happen to you, NOT about telling them how to look at the bright side of something bad that has happened to them.   In those situations, it is most important to start with lots of empathy, and little advice, or you run the risk of being insensitive and shutting down their willingness to share.  (It’s like telling a stage 2 cancer patient that at least it is not stage 3.  They may be thinking that, but they don’t need to hear it from you.  Not cool.)  Hopefully, once they feel understood they will start to look for the blessings on their own, and that is much more likely to happen if you have been regularly modeling it for them. 

There will be times in your life when it is going to be really, really hard to find anything positive to model for your children.  That moment came for me 2 years ago when that youngest daughter of mine was in the hospital with a new diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes.  There were some days early on in the diagnosis that seemed like there were no blessings left to find.  In those moments I could still show that I knew God was with us and that I would trust Him to see us through.  In that moment, I was able to realize that there was at least one blessing left after all.

So you see, it is really important for us to show our children that we can find blessings, even when things are hard.  Not only is it good for them, but it is good for our outlook, too!  My youngest still tends to jump to the worst, but I’m hoping that over time she will start to step back and try to see things from a new perspective.  So even though some rain showers in life cannot be avoided, maybe she will see that without them there would be no rainbows (and, that in the meantime, God has packed her an umbrella.)

A Team Effort…

My family has a very set, tight running morning routine.  This was NOT always the case.  I remember when my eldest daughter was 5 and had just begun Kindergarten.  Going to school 5 days a week was new to her and was a shock to her system.  We had a drive, and if we didn’t get in the car by 7:20, traffic ate us alive.  I had it all planned out.  Up at 6:30, get dressed, eat, brush hair and teeth, and go.  By the third week of school my plans had fallen apart, and our mornings had become chaos.  My daughter was unhappy, and I was frustrated and angry.  I kept trying new ideas.  I would tweak the routine to try and make it better, smoother, and more appealing to my daughter.  Nothing was working.  Finally it dawned on me.  WE had a problem, but I was doing all the work. 

You see, we as parents have the habit of taking on all of the responsibility for trying to figure out solutions for all of the problems in our families.  We forget that we are not the only ones experiencing the problems and there are lots of minds available full of wonderful ideas.  When we stop and include our children in the problem solving process, we help them learn about facing and solving problems, and they take greater ownership in following through with the decisions that are made.  It can also be a way to bring everyone closer together. 

So, I decided that I would ask my daughter for her help with our morning dilemma.  After school one day, when we were both calm and had plenty of time, I introduced the 5 steps to team problem solving.

Step 1: I invited my daughter to share her point of view about the problem.  In this step my only job was to listen and communicate that I understood how she was feeling.  I didn’t have to agree with her or defend myself.  Just listen and reflect her feelings and show understanding.  Once she felt heard, she was ready to listen.

Step 2: I got to share my feelings and concerns in a way that was not attaching.  Saying, “YOU are doing this” and “YOU are doing that”, just makes people defensive.  Instead I used “I statements,” such as, “I am feeling frustrated with how long it is taking to get ready.”

Step 3: I invited my daughter to brainstorm ideas for a new morning routine with me.  I let her share every idea she could think of.  Then I shared all of my ideas.

Step 4: This one goes with step three.  As she shared her ideas, I wrote every one of them down without evaluating them.  Even ideas I knew would not work (“I want to lay in bed for 10 minutes while you scratch my back and then I’ll get up”).  If I picked apart her ideas as she was sharing them, I would stop her willingness to share.  The process would stop and we would be stuck.  So I wrote them all down, and then I wrote down all of mine.

Step 5: We used the list to find a way to compromise.  Some ideas we both liked and kept, some were tossed out completely, and some were changed to work for both of us.  We turned our separate ideas into ones we both could agree with.  She even got 5 minutes of back scratching from me as she woke up instead of 10.  As it turned out, that little bit of time was the transition that she needed from waking up to moving that made all of the difference.

I was surprised at how well it worked.  After 10 or 15 minutes of problem solving, we had a plan.  My daughter was invested in it, and the next morning went beautifully, as did all of the mornings after that.  We have had hiccups here and there, but we just go take out our original plan and problem solve again.  Our routine has slowly changed over time, but some things have stayed the same.  And it still works (and she still gets that back scratch). 

Happy All The Time…

We parents love it when our children are happy.  Their smiles and laughter bring us joy, and we feel sad when they are upset.  We have a strong urge to protect our children from uncomfortable feelings.  I see it all of the time.  It starts when your little child falls down and you say, “You are ok!  See you’re not even bleeding.”  Or maybe a toy gets broken and you say, “Don’t cry.  It’s just a toy.  We can get you another one.”  We have the urge to fix or stop those uncomfortable feelings.  But can I ask you; can we really make sure our children are happy all of the time?  Even more than that, do we really have to?

You see, when we get into the habit of stopping or fixing every uncomfortable feeling our children have we, begin to teach them that they are not ok unless they are feeling happy.  We miss the mark on showing them what TRUE happiness is all about.  Studies done on adults who are considered “happy” show that true happiness is about resiliency and the ability to be content even when things are not perfect.  Because the reality is we live in a flawed and imperfect world.  Bad things WILL happen.  There will be things that you cannot fix and cannot protect your children from.

Another problem we run into by constantly fixing unhappiness is that we teach our children that they are not responsible for their own happiness!  They will blame you, others, and the world when they are not happy, and they will feel powerless to change it or face it themselves.  It is hard to feel content or resilient when you feel helpless.

So what do our children really need from us when they are unhappy?  More than anything else, they need empathy and support.  They need a hug.  They need to hear that we see they are upset and that can be hard.  Teach them to pray.  Help them brainstorm about solutions.  Help them decide what they need to do to either fix the situation for THEMSELVES or what will help them cope.  Sometimes they will require your help, and that is ok.  But only provide just enough to put them on the path to helping themselves.  Do NOT tell them life is hard so suck it up.  Instead, if you can give them empathy and support, they will see that, yes, life can be hard and sad, but I am loved and I can be ok.  Then you will be helping your child learn contentment and resiliency, which will set them on the path of true happiness. 

Report Cards…

Well, the time has almost arrived for the very first report card of the year.  I have always believed that report cards provide us with an important and yet incredibly difficult parenting moment.  There is the opportunity for connecting and building your relationship with your child, or an opportunity to really hurt it.  I think this is true whether the report card is “good” or “not so good.”  You see, it’s all about focusing on what’s most important and about how you communicate your feelings with your child.  And let me tell you, it is tricky!  I still feel like I am figuring out my technique.  Here are some of my ideas:

1) Focus on the effort WAY more than the exact grade: 

Sometimes a B took a lot of effort and was a sign of improvement.  Sometimes a B was a sign of a lack of interest and sloppy work.  We have to be paying attention each week and communicating with the teachers to know which is the case for our children.  If your child put a lot of effort into the work, celebrate that effort and show satisfaction with the progress they are making.  If more progress still needs to be made, create a plan together to get there.  Focusing on the next step without acknowledging the work and progress it took to get to where they are now is demoralizing.  Now, if the grade you see is a reflection of lack of effort, try to get to the bottom of why your child is giving up and not trying.  Is it about confidence, a lack of connection with the teacher, or too many “other” distractions in life?  Knowing this will help you and your child make a plan for improvement. 

2) Use the report cards for goal setting, TOGETHER: 

As you sit down to go over the report card, try asking your child (nicely, even if you aren’t happy with what you see), “What did it take to get the grade that you see?”  This is a great time to celebrate the effort, or to talk about the effort that was missing.  Or maybe it wasn’t a lack of effort but inefficient study skills, a lack of understanding of the content, or other life stressors.  You can also ask, “What do you think worked for you?  What didn’t work?  Should we keep doing the same thing, or come up with new ideas that will work better?”  Let your child know you want to help them do their best and make improvements.  It doesn’t hurt to remind yourself and your children (over and over) that mistakes are opportunities to learn.  You want to create the sense that even if the results this time are disappointing that your children are still capable and that you believe in them.  Making mistakes will actually help them learn and grow and are a constant part of life.

3) Rewards and punishments are not going to get you what you want in the long run:

Both rewards and punishments are external motivators when our ultimate goal should be building our children’s internal desire to do well and feel accomplished.  They are our attempt to “make” our children get good grades, when ultimately we want them to “want” to do their best.  That isn’t to say there are not consequences, but the approach is key.  To tell your child, “You did not make the grade.  I am taking away your phone, friends, etc.  You are going to tutoring” puts the focus on you, makes you the bad guy, and actually distracts them from taking personal responsibility.  Instead, when you discuss and problem-solve together you can identify the distractions and where help is needed.  Then when it is decided that a reduction in phone and friend time and some extra tutoring help are the path to success, your children will be able to see where they have control and the responsibility to change things.  At that point it is ok to say, “When you choose to allow your phone to distract you from school work, then you are choosing less time with your phone.”  Same thing goes for rewards.  I’m going to say it point blank; Please do not pay your kids for grades.  There have been studies that show that those kind of external rewards may give a temporary increase in the desired behavior, but show a long-term decrease in motivation.  Because, let’s face it, you want your child to have the internal motivation to do well and learn and try even when you aren’t there to make sure that it happens.  Celebrate the success.  Let them know you can see how hard they worked and how proud of themselves they are.  That will provide infinitely more motivation and satisfaction than an external reward.

So, good luck next week!  I will pray that this moment goes smoothly for you.  I hope you will do the same for me!