Perfect Parenting…

I have a confession to make.  I am not a perfect parent.  I may write parenting articles and lead parenting groups, but the truth is I don’t always remember to do all of the things I know how to do.  I have raised my voice, rescued when I shouldn’t, been too tired to play, and completely lost my patience.  I am a fallible, sinful, mistake-making human being.  And, you know something… that is OK.

Perfection is not a requirement for being a good parent.  In fact, I think perfectionism can actually get in the way of parenting our children well.  If we never let our children see our mistakes, never admit to our mistakes, or worse, berate or belittle ourselves when we do, we ultimately teach our children to treat themselves that way.  We model that our best is never good enough, or that it is never ok to be wrong, and that is really not a healthy way to live.  Perfectionism can eat you up inside, leave you empty and never satisfied, and steal your courage to try new things. 

I don’t wake up in the morning and tell myself that today is the day that I’m going to mess up as a parent.  I do try to do the best that I can, but I also know that sometimes I am going to miss the mark.  So in those moments, I model the courage to be imperfect.  I show that I am in need of grace.  I ask for forgiveness from my children, and from my Lord and Savior, and in doing so show them how to give and seek forgiveness and grace.  I show them that relationships can be repaired, and that sometimes it is OK to ask for help.  I show them that the only perfect love comes from Christ, but we can love each other well if we know how to give and receive forgiveness.  I also give them permission to make mistakes, which is ultimately how people learn and grow.

So, my fellow parents, give yourself some grace.  You are doing the best you can with what you know.  And remember that even when you are not a perfect parent, God loves you, will help you, and has plenty of grace to spare.

Time to get off the ride…

School is back in session!  I was racking my brain about the best topic to cover to help us all start the year off right, when Mr. Hahn gave me a moment of inspiration (I was listening, Mr. Hahn!).  At the welcome breakfast for parents he shared an analogy about how parenting is like an amusement park ride.  Sometimes as parents we should be on the ride with our children, but at other times it is better for us to be waiting for our children as they are getting off the ride.  The story immediately made me think of a very important rule of thumb I teach all the parents who attend my groups: “Don’t do for your children that which they can do for themselves.”

Even with the best intentions, we parents have a tendency to get in our children’s way.  Sometimes it’s because we are in a hurry or because we know we can do things more efficiently than our children.  How many of us have tied shoes for WAY longer than we should have (guilty!) or carried in the somewhat large pre-school bags?  Sometimes it’s because we don’t realize what our children are capable of.  Did you know that with a little initial guidance and creative planning your kids can pack their own lunches for school starting in Kindergarten?  Sometimes it is because it hurts us to see our children fall down and get hurt.  We don’t like to see our child upset because he forgot his homework or his iPad and he is scared to tell his teacher.

There are several problems that arise when we do for our children what they should be doing for themselves.  First, we rob them of the opportunity to build confidence in their own abilities.  They become dependent on us.  Second, we rob them of the knowledge that they are responsible for themselves.  I once had a mom I worked with who was so frustrated because she had to go home and get her daughter’s glasses EVERY DAY.  She wondered when her daughter would take responsibility for remembering her glasses.  Well, it happened the moment the mom stopped taking on the responsibility herself.  Finally, and worst of all, we accidentally communicate to our children that we don’t think they are capable.  When we say, “Let me do that, Honey” our kids can actually hear, “I don’t think you can do that, Honey.”  Letting our children struggle and try, fall down and pick themselves up actually builds confidence.  They learn they are capable and become more willing to take risks. 

So does that mean you are supposed to hand everything over to your children, sit back and do nothing?  Of course not!  We may not always be on the ride, but we are still at the amusement park.  Our children need us to be there to provide encouragement and support.  We can help dust them off when they fall and share ideas about how to try again in a different way.  And there are plenty of responsibilities they are not ready for yet.  The key is knowing when to help and when to let go.  This school year is bound to be filled to the brim with many exciting rides.  Take a moment to think about which rides to get on and which ones it’s time to just watch.  For me, I think, my 1st grader and I are going to spend some time this weekend with those shoe laces…

Summer Reading…

I saw my youngest’s first summer reading list in her backpack last week.  I am thrilled that she is at a point in her reading that she will be exploring the fun little stories that I got to see her older sister enjoy.  Seeing her reading list made me think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to create a reading list of my own.  So instead of my sharing my thoughts about the world of parenting as I typically do, this month I am going to give a list of books on the topic.  You can use it to fill in the gap over the summer months, until I’ll be back writing again.  Some of the books on this list are ones that I have already read and go to again and again.  Others are the ones I have in hand and have started, but intend to dive into over the summer.  Even though I haven’t read those fully myself, I believe they will be fantastic, as trusted colleges in the field have informed me.  So I hope you find one (or more) of these interesting and helpful.

Tried and true favorites:

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson.  There are several versions of this book, for various age levels, or you can just stick with the original.  There is a classroom version of it as well (for you teachers out there).  I actually prefer Positive Discipline over Love and Logic.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk or How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  These are classics that I recommend to almost every parent who walks through the door of my counseling office.  Faber & Mazlish also wrote Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and Siblings Without Rivalry.  I’ve read the siblings book at least twice myself and will likely read it again this summer.  I may be a child counseling professional, but parenting siblings is HARD.  I find this book helpful every time I pick it up.

New and exciting:

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson.  Using brain science to help you communicate with your children, what could be better?  It is written in such an easy and useful way and helps you raise children with balanced, integrated brains.  I’m only a couple chapters in, but I can’t wait to read more.

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel Seigel.  This is specifically for parents of kids ages 12 to 24.  It is a very new book, by a very respected author (see above), and the counseling community has been raving about it.  My copy is on the table at home, just waiting to be opened…

The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine.  This one is especially important for us, I believe.  Most of us have been blessed with the ability to give our children not only all of what they need, but also much of what they want.  This privilege is a blessing, but if we are not careful, it can have a significant cost.  This book is not exactly a comfortable read, but a necessary one.

Ok, so I could go on and on, but this list should keep you busy for a while!  You should try to read for fun, too, of course.  Have a wonderful summer break, and happy reading!

The Beautiful Thing About a Snow Day…

I’m sure you would all agree that it felt like we had a crazy number of snow/ice days this year.  My adult mind no longer enjoys the magic of a snow day quite the way my children do.  For me an unplanned day off just means client cancelations, extra phone calls, and a general messing with my schedule.  Strangely enough, that is exactly what makes a snow day seem so wonderful to children.  It is a chance to have a day without a schedule, a day without a plan. 

Schedules can be a good thing.  Structure and predictability is important for children.  Organized sports, music lessons, etc. can provide fun and enriching experiences.  That said, it is also incredibly important for children to have unstructured time where they can play freely and spontaneously.  Numerous studies have shown that free play is a critical part of healthy child development.  Many of these same studies share concerns that children in our society are finding themselves with ever busier schedules and with dwindling opportunities to “just play.”  The thing is, it is not “just play.”  Free play (without a screen involved) is how children build creativity and imagination.  It is how they process events that have occurred in their lives and how they try on new behaviors.  It is a way of relieving stress.  Free play with other children allows them to develop social communication and problem solving skills.  This is true for older children as well as younger children, even though their “play” may look different.

Now you may say, “yeah, when my children get free time, they end up bored and then they want me to entertain them.”  That can happen, especially when children do not have enough practice with free play.  They can get used to others telling them what to do and how to play (or used to a screen providing mindless distractions.)  I say, let them be bored!  Give a couple of suggestions, play with them for a little while (because that can be fun, too), but then back off and let them struggle a little with their boredom.  Some of the most elaborate and creative ideas my children have come up with happened when they were bored.

I think we may finally be done with snow days for this year (Yeah!  Bring on spring!), but I do want to make sure that I purposefully and regularly plan for days that have no plan.  Days where my kids can be spontaneous, stress free, and, yes, maybe even a little bit bored.  Because that is when the real creativity and the real playing can begin, and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

Heart Notes

I tried something new for Valentine’s this year that became so wonderful, I wanted to share it with you.  I saw a suggestion on-line about hanging a heart shaped piece of paper on your child’s door with a different message every day.  I really liked the idea, but I did not love the execution.  The example I saw had statements like “you are smart,” “you are beautiful,” “you are good at sports,” etc.  On the surface those seem like nice sentiments, but they lacked specificity and sincerity.  There was just no substance.  I wanted to say wonderful, supportive things to my children, but I wanted them to mean something.  I wanted them to know how unique and special I really feel they are.  With this in mind, here is how you do a heart note:

1) You could make a bunch of palm-sized hearts out of colored construction paper, or you don’t have to.  What matters is the message not the paper.  My youngest called them heart notes because of the shape of the paper.  I felt the name was perfect because the messages came from the heart.

2) Keep the notes private.  It is so easy for a child to think that because you express love to a sibling then somehow that love is not available to them anymore.  I’ve seen enough jealousy to know that the heart note experience could become negative if they started comparing notes.  So I told them that they could not share, that the notes were private and special and just for them.  My girls got it and agreed.  Not once did they try to compare.

3) Be very specific.  When you are specific you are perceived as sincere.  So instead of “you are beautiful” say “I love your crazy, curly blond hair,” or “I love seeing your smile.  It makes me feel happy inside.”

4) Notice character qualities.  Notice effort and hard work.  Instead of “good job” try “I love watching how you were trying so hard on that math worksheet.  You didn’t give up and then you got it!  That took determination.”  Or try, “I love seeing how kind you were to your friend when she was sad,” or “I love how you help me with the little things, thank you.”

5) Make sure some of the messages convey unconditional, no-strings attached love.  This is the kind of thing that ALL kids need from their parents.  This it the Christ-like love we all need to experience in order to flourish.  My favorite way to express it was to simply say, “I love you because you are MINE.  I am so glad God blessed my life with you.” 

Needless to say, my girls loved the heart notes so much that they still keep them under their pillows in zipper bags.  Every morning they would wake up and ask, “Where is my heart note?”  After they read them, the smiles would make their faces glow.  Now, I know that Valentine’s Day has passed, but I would challenge you to not wait.  You do not need an excuse to give your children a note from the heart.