A Team Effort…

My family has a very set, tight running morning routine.  This was NOT always the case.  I remember when my eldest daughter was 5 and had just begun Kindergarten.  Going to school 5 days a week was new to her and was a shock to her system.  We had a drive, and if we didn’t get in the car by 7:20, traffic ate us alive.  I had it all planned out.  Up at 6:30, get dressed, eat, brush hair and teeth, and go.  By the third week of school my plans had fallen apart, and our mornings had become chaos.  My daughter was unhappy, and I was frustrated and angry.  I kept trying new ideas.  I would tweak the routine to try and make it better, smoother, and more appealing to my daughter.  Nothing was working.  Finally it dawned on me.  WE had a problem, but I was doing all the work. 

You see, we as parents have the habit of taking on all of the responsibility for trying to figure out solutions for all of the problems in our families.  We forget that we are not the only ones experiencing the problems and there are lots of minds available full of wonderful ideas.  When we stop and include our children in the problem solving process, we help them learn about facing and solving problems, and they take greater ownership in following through with the decisions that are made.  It can also be a way to bring everyone closer together. 

So, I decided that I would ask my daughter for her help with our morning dilemma.  After school one day, when we were both calm and had plenty of time, I introduced the 5 steps to team problem solving.

Step 1: I invited my daughter to share her point of view about the problem.  In this step my only job was to listen and communicate that I understood how she was feeling.  I didn’t have to agree with her or defend myself.  Just listen and reflect her feelings and show understanding.  Once she felt heard, she was ready to listen.

Step 2: I got to share my feelings and concerns in a way that was not attaching.  Saying, “YOU are doing this” and “YOU are doing that”, just makes people defensive.  Instead I used “I statements,” such as, “I am feeling frustrated with how long it is taking to get ready.”

Step 3: I invited my daughter to brainstorm ideas for a new morning routine with me.  I let her share every idea she could think of.  Then I shared all of my ideas.

Step 4: This one goes with step three.  As she shared her ideas, I wrote every one of them down without evaluating them.  Even ideas I knew would not work (“I want to lay in bed for 10 minutes while you scratch my back and then I’ll get up”).  If I picked apart her ideas as she was sharing them, I would stop her willingness to share.  The process would stop and we would be stuck.  So I wrote them all down, and then I wrote down all of mine.

Step 5: We used the list to find a way to compromise.  Some ideas we both liked and kept, some were tossed out completely, and some were changed to work for both of us.  We turned our separate ideas into ones we both could agree with.  She even got 5 minutes of back scratching from me as she woke up instead of 10.  As it turned out, that little bit of time was the transition that she needed from waking up to moving that made all of the difference.

I was surprised at how well it worked.  After 10 or 15 minutes of problem solving, we had a plan.  My daughter was invested in it, and the next morning went beautifully, as did all of the mornings after that.  We have had hiccups here and there, but we just go take out our original plan and problem solve again.  Our routine has slowly changed over time, but some things have stayed the same.  And it still works (and she still gets that back scratch). 

Happy All The Time…

We parents love it when our children are happy.  Their smiles and laughter bring us joy, and we feel sad when they are upset.  We have a strong urge to protect our children from uncomfortable feelings.  I see it all of the time.  It starts when your little child falls down and you say, “You are ok!  See you’re not even bleeding.”  Or maybe a toy gets broken and you say, “Don’t cry.  It’s just a toy.  We can get you another one.”  We have the urge to fix or stop those uncomfortable feelings.  But can I ask you; can we really make sure our children are happy all of the time?  Even more than that, do we really have to?

You see, when we get into the habit of stopping or fixing every uncomfortable feeling our children have we, begin to teach them that they are not ok unless they are feeling happy.  We miss the mark on showing them what TRUE happiness is all about.  Studies done on adults who are considered “happy” show that true happiness is about resiliency and the ability to be content even when things are not perfect.  Because the reality is we live in a flawed and imperfect world.  Bad things WILL happen.  There will be things that you cannot fix and cannot protect your children from.

Another problem we run into by constantly fixing unhappiness is that we teach our children that they are not responsible for their own happiness!  They will blame you, others, and the world when they are not happy, and they will feel powerless to change it or face it themselves.  It is hard to feel content or resilient when you feel helpless.

So what do our children really need from us when they are unhappy?  More than anything else, they need empathy and support.  They need a hug.  They need to hear that we see they are upset and that can be hard.  Teach them to pray.  Help them brainstorm about solutions.  Help them decide what they need to do to either fix the situation for THEMSELVES or what will help them cope.  Sometimes they will require your help, and that is ok.  But only provide just enough to put them on the path to helping themselves.  Do NOT tell them life is hard so suck it up.  Instead, if you can give them empathy and support, they will see that, yes, life can be hard and sad, but I am loved and I can be ok.  Then you will be helping your child learn contentment and resiliency, which will set them on the path of true happiness. 

Report Cards…

Well, the time has almost arrived for the very first report card of the year.  I have always believed that report cards provide us with an important and yet incredibly difficult parenting moment.  There is the opportunity for connecting and building your relationship with your child, or an opportunity to really hurt it.  I think this is true whether the report card is “good” or “not so good.”  You see, it’s all about focusing on what’s most important and about how you communicate your feelings with your child.  And let me tell you, it is tricky!  I still feel like I am figuring out my technique.  Here are some of my ideas:

1) Focus on the effort WAY more than the exact grade: 

Sometimes a B took a lot of effort and was a sign of improvement.  Sometimes a B was a sign of a lack of interest and sloppy work.  We have to be paying attention each week and communicating with the teachers to know which is the case for our children.  If your child put a lot of effort into the work, celebrate that effort and show satisfaction with the progress they are making.  If more progress still needs to be made, create a plan together to get there.  Focusing on the next step without acknowledging the work and progress it took to get to where they are now is demoralizing.  Now, if the grade you see is a reflection of lack of effort, try to get to the bottom of why your child is giving up and not trying.  Is it about confidence, a lack of connection with the teacher, or too many “other” distractions in life?  Knowing this will help you and your child make a plan for improvement. 

2) Use the report cards for goal setting, TOGETHER: 

As you sit down to go over the report card, try asking your child (nicely, even if you aren’t happy with what you see), “What did it take to get the grade that you see?”  This is a great time to celebrate the effort, or to talk about the effort that was missing.  Or maybe it wasn’t a lack of effort but inefficient study skills, a lack of understanding of the content, or other life stressors.  You can also ask, “What do you think worked for you?  What didn’t work?  Should we keep doing the same thing, or come up with new ideas that will work better?”  Let your child know you want to help them do their best and make improvements.  It doesn’t hurt to remind yourself and your children (over and over) that mistakes are opportunities to learn.  You want to create the sense that even if the results this time are disappointing that your children are still capable and that you believe in them.  Making mistakes will actually help them learn and grow and are a constant part of life.

3) Rewards and punishments are not going to get you what you want in the long run:

Both rewards and punishments are external motivators when our ultimate goal should be building our children’s internal desire to do well and feel accomplished.  They are our attempt to “make” our children get good grades, when ultimately we want them to “want” to do their best.  That isn’t to say there are not consequences, but the approach is key.  To tell your child, “You did not make the grade.  I am taking away your phone, friends, etc.  You are going to tutoring” puts the focus on you, makes you the bad guy, and actually distracts them from taking personal responsibility.  Instead, when you discuss and problem-solve together you can identify the distractions and where help is needed.  Then when it is decided that a reduction in phone and friend time and some extra tutoring help are the path to success, your children will be able to see where they have control and the responsibility to change things.  At that point it is ok to say, “When you choose to allow your phone to distract you from school work, then you are choosing less time with your phone.”  Same thing goes for rewards.  I’m going to say it point blank; Please do not pay your kids for grades.  There have been studies that show that those kind of external rewards may give a temporary increase in the desired behavior, but show a long-term decrease in motivation.  Because, let’s face it, you want your child to have the internal motivation to do well and learn and try even when you aren’t there to make sure that it happens.  Celebrate the success.  Let them know you can see how hard they worked and how proud of themselves they are.  That will provide infinitely more motivation and satisfaction than an external reward.

So, good luck next week!  I will pray that this moment goes smoothly for you.  I hope you will do the same for me!

Perfect Parenting…

I have a confession to make.  I am not a perfect parent.  I may write parenting articles and lead parenting groups, but the truth is I don’t always remember to do all of the things I know how to do.  I have raised my voice, rescued when I shouldn’t, been too tired to play, and completely lost my patience.  I am a fallible, sinful, mistake-making human being.  And, you know something… that is OK.

Perfection is not a requirement for being a good parent.  In fact, I think perfectionism can actually get in the way of parenting our children well.  If we never let our children see our mistakes, never admit to our mistakes, or worse, berate or belittle ourselves when we do, we ultimately teach our children to treat themselves that way.  We model that our best is never good enough, or that it is never ok to be wrong, and that is really not a healthy way to live.  Perfectionism can eat you up inside, leave you empty and never satisfied, and steal your courage to try new things. 

I don’t wake up in the morning and tell myself that today is the day that I’m going to mess up as a parent.  I do try to do the best that I can, but I also know that sometimes I am going to miss the mark.  So in those moments, I model the courage to be imperfect.  I show that I am in need of grace.  I ask for forgiveness from my children, and from my Lord and Savior, and in doing so show them how to give and seek forgiveness and grace.  I show them that relationships can be repaired, and that sometimes it is OK to ask for help.  I show them that the only perfect love comes from Christ, but we can love each other well if we know how to give and receive forgiveness.  I also give them permission to make mistakes, which is ultimately how people learn and grow.

So, my fellow parents, give yourself some grace.  You are doing the best you can with what you know.  And remember that even when you are not a perfect parent, God loves you, will help you, and has plenty of grace to spare.

Time to get off the ride…

School is back in session!  I was racking my brain about the best topic to cover to help us all start the year off right, when Mr. Hahn gave me a moment of inspiration (I was listening, Mr. Hahn!).  At the welcome breakfast for parents he shared an analogy about how parenting is like an amusement park ride.  Sometimes as parents we should be on the ride with our children, but at other times it is better for us to be waiting for our children as they are getting off the ride.  The story immediately made me think of a very important rule of thumb I teach all the parents who attend my groups: “Don’t do for your children that which they can do for themselves.”

Even with the best intentions, we parents have a tendency to get in our children’s way.  Sometimes it’s because we are in a hurry or because we know we can do things more efficiently than our children.  How many of us have tied shoes for WAY longer than we should have (guilty!) or carried in the somewhat large pre-school bags?  Sometimes it’s because we don’t realize what our children are capable of.  Did you know that with a little initial guidance and creative planning your kids can pack their own lunches for school starting in Kindergarten?  Sometimes it is because it hurts us to see our children fall down and get hurt.  We don’t like to see our child upset because he forgot his homework or his iPad and he is scared to tell his teacher.

There are several problems that arise when we do for our children what they should be doing for themselves.  First, we rob them of the opportunity to build confidence in their own abilities.  They become dependent on us.  Second, we rob them of the knowledge that they are responsible for themselves.  I once had a mom I worked with who was so frustrated because she had to go home and get her daughter’s glasses EVERY DAY.  She wondered when her daughter would take responsibility for remembering her glasses.  Well, it happened the moment the mom stopped taking on the responsibility herself.  Finally, and worst of all, we accidentally communicate to our children that we don’t think they are capable.  When we say, “Let me do that, Honey” our kids can actually hear, “I don’t think you can do that, Honey.”  Letting our children struggle and try, fall down and pick themselves up actually builds confidence.  They learn they are capable and become more willing to take risks. 

So does that mean you are supposed to hand everything over to your children, sit back and do nothing?  Of course not!  We may not always be on the ride, but we are still at the amusement park.  Our children need us to be there to provide encouragement and support.  We can help dust them off when they fall and share ideas about how to try again in a different way.  And there are plenty of responsibilities they are not ready for yet.  The key is knowing when to help and when to let go.  This school year is bound to be filled to the brim with many exciting rides.  Take a moment to think about which rides to get on and which ones it’s time to just watch.  For me, I think, my 1st grader and I are going to spend some time this weekend with those shoe laces…