Summer Reading…

I saw my youngest’s first summer reading list in her backpack last week.  I am thrilled that she is at a point in her reading that she will be exploring the fun little stories that I got to see her older sister enjoy.  Seeing her reading list made me think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to create a reading list of my own.  So instead of my sharing my thoughts about the world of parenting as I typically do, this month I am going to give a list of books on the topic.  You can use it to fill in the gap over the summer months, until I’ll be back writing again.  Some of the books on this list are ones that I have already read and go to again and again.  Others are the ones I have in hand and have started, but intend to dive into over the summer.  Even though I haven’t read those fully myself, I believe they will be fantastic, as trusted colleges in the field have informed me.  So I hope you find one (or more) of these interesting and helpful.

Tried and true favorites:

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson.  There are several versions of this book, for various age levels, or you can just stick with the original.  There is a classroom version of it as well (for you teachers out there).  I actually prefer Positive Discipline over Love and Logic.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk or How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  These are classics that I recommend to almost every parent who walks through the door of my counseling office.  Faber & Mazlish also wrote Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and Siblings Without Rivalry.  I’ve read the siblings book at least twice myself and will likely read it again this summer.  I may be a child counseling professional, but parenting siblings is HARD.  I find this book helpful every time I pick it up.

New and exciting:

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson.  Using brain science to help you communicate with your children, what could be better?  It is written in such an easy and useful way and helps you raise children with balanced, integrated brains.  I’m only a couple chapters in, but I can’t wait to read more.

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel Seigel.  This is specifically for parents of kids ages 12 to 24.  It is a very new book, by a very respected author (see above), and the counseling community has been raving about it.  My copy is on the table at home, just waiting to be opened…

The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine.  This one is especially important for us, I believe.  Most of us have been blessed with the ability to give our children not only all of what they need, but also much of what they want.  This privilege is a blessing, but if we are not careful, it can have a significant cost.  This book is not exactly a comfortable read, but a necessary one.

Ok, so I could go on and on, but this list should keep you busy for a while!  You should try to read for fun, too, of course.  Have a wonderful summer break, and happy reading!

The Beautiful Thing About a Snow Day…

I’m sure you would all agree that it felt like we had a crazy number of snow/ice days this year.  My adult mind no longer enjoys the magic of a snow day quite the way my children do.  For me an unplanned day off just means client cancelations, extra phone calls, and a general messing with my schedule.  Strangely enough, that is exactly what makes a snow day seem so wonderful to children.  It is a chance to have a day without a schedule, a day without a plan. 

Schedules can be a good thing.  Structure and predictability is important for children.  Organized sports, music lessons, etc. can provide fun and enriching experiences.  That said, it is also incredibly important for children to have unstructured time where they can play freely and spontaneously.  Numerous studies have shown that free play is a critical part of healthy child development.  Many of these same studies share concerns that children in our society are finding themselves with ever busier schedules and with dwindling opportunities to “just play.”  The thing is, it is not “just play.”  Free play (without a screen involved) is how children build creativity and imagination.  It is how they process events that have occurred in their lives and how they try on new behaviors.  It is a way of relieving stress.  Free play with other children allows them to develop social communication and problem solving skills.  This is true for older children as well as younger children, even though their “play” may look different.

Now you may say, “yeah, when my children get free time, they end up bored and then they want me to entertain them.”  That can happen, especially when children do not have enough practice with free play.  They can get used to others telling them what to do and how to play (or used to a screen providing mindless distractions.)  I say, let them be bored!  Give a couple of suggestions, play with them for a little while (because that can be fun, too), but then back off and let them struggle a little with their boredom.  Some of the most elaborate and creative ideas my children have come up with happened when they were bored.

I think we may finally be done with snow days for this year (Yeah!  Bring on spring!), but I do want to make sure that I purposefully and regularly plan for days that have no plan.  Days where my kids can be spontaneous, stress free, and, yes, maybe even a little bit bored.  Because that is when the real creativity and the real playing can begin, and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

Heart Notes

I tried something new for Valentine’s this year that became so wonderful, I wanted to share it with you.  I saw a suggestion on-line about hanging a heart shaped piece of paper on your child’s door with a different message every day.  I really liked the idea, but I did not love the execution.  The example I saw had statements like “you are smart,” “you are beautiful,” “you are good at sports,” etc.  On the surface those seem like nice sentiments, but they lacked specificity and sincerity.  There was just no substance.  I wanted to say wonderful, supportive things to my children, but I wanted them to mean something.  I wanted them to know how unique and special I really feel they are.  With this in mind, here is how you do a heart note:

1) You could make a bunch of palm-sized hearts out of colored construction paper, or you don’t have to.  What matters is the message not the paper.  My youngest called them heart notes because of the shape of the paper.  I felt the name was perfect because the messages came from the heart.

2) Keep the notes private.  It is so easy for a child to think that because you express love to a sibling then somehow that love is not available to them anymore.  I’ve seen enough jealousy to know that the heart note experience could become negative if they started comparing notes.  So I told them that they could not share, that the notes were private and special and just for them.  My girls got it and agreed.  Not once did they try to compare.

3) Be very specific.  When you are specific you are perceived as sincere.  So instead of “you are beautiful” say “I love your crazy, curly blond hair,” or “I love seeing your smile.  It makes me feel happy inside.”

4) Notice character qualities.  Notice effort and hard work.  Instead of “good job” try “I love watching how you were trying so hard on that math worksheet.  You didn’t give up and then you got it!  That took determination.”  Or try, “I love seeing how kind you were to your friend when she was sad,” or “I love how you help me with the little things, thank you.”

5) Make sure some of the messages convey unconditional, no-strings attached love.  This is the kind of thing that ALL kids need from their parents.  This it the Christ-like love we all need to experience in order to flourish.  My favorite way to express it was to simply say, “I love you because you are MINE.  I am so glad God blessed my life with you.” 

Needless to say, my girls loved the heart notes so much that they still keep them under their pillows in zipper bags.  Every morning they would wake up and ask, “Where is my heart note?”  After they read them, the smiles would make their faces glow.  Now, I know that Valentine’s Day has passed, but I would challenge you to not wait.  You do not need an excuse to give your children a note from the heart. 

Noticing…

We have amazing children, don’t we?  Each one is this special, unique individual who is constantly growing and changing and BECOMING.  I was just noticing the other day how my almost 9 year old has suddenly found some things that she is really interested in and passionate about.  They are becoming part of her identity.  She is working hard at these things, and though she doesn’t always get them right, she doesn’t give up.  Because of this, she is constantly getting better.  WOW.  As a parent, I love seeing this, and it makes me proud. 

I want to support her and encourage her, but I don’t want to get in her way.  Unfortunately, as parents, we have a tendency to get in the way.  We see the beginnings of an interest or talent in our children and we want to see it grow so we start pointing out how good they are or start rewarding them for it.  Or maybe we want our children to show more interest in something so we do the same thing.  I do not want to do this to my daughter!  Because right now her motivation doesn’t come from me, and I don’t want it to.  If I pour a ton of “good jobs” or rewards all over her then I suddenly make it about me, and I rob her of the joy of finding out what it is like to do something simply because she loves to do it.  In fact, there have been multiple studies that show that praise and rewards may increase external motivation for a short time, but in the long term they decrease internal motivation.  Thus, when the rewards and praise aren’t there then the interest is gone, too.  Or there is just the pressure to please others, but the fun has gone.  I don’t want that! 

So how do I provide encouragement for my daughter without making it about me?  I just keep on noticing, and tell her what I see:  “Hey Love, I noticed you practiced three times today all on your own.  You must be enjoying that.”  “Wow, all that effort and you are learning so quickly.”  “Ooo, that one is tough.  You seem determined to figure it out.”  “You are really proud of yourself.”  “Looks like you are having fun.”  “I love watching you do something you love.” 

See, I get to be a part of this amazing phase that she is going through, but I let it belong to her.  She gets the satisfaction of knowing that I am noticing her world and that I care about her, no strings attached.  That is what she really needs from me.

So, what if you are struggling with a child who is lacking motivation?  (I have been there, too.)  How do you encourage him or her to find a passion, to put in some effort, to care?  Well, there is encouragement for that, too, and we can talk more about it next month.  Until then, step back and take a moment to just notice…  They are just AMAZING, aren’t they?

The most wonderful (make that stressful) time of the year…

I love, love, Christmas time.  The lights, the music, and the excitement and happiness my children seem to have non-stop just leave me with a warm feeling.  There is one thing that messes with my joy, though.  This also happens to be the hands-down most stressful time of year for me.  In the short time between Thanksgiving and Christmas (and there are only 4 weeks this year! Aaaaaaa!) there is a seemingly endless list of things to do: A house to decorate, lots of gifts to buy, goodies to bake, parties to attend, countless rehearsals and performances for the girls, cards to assemble and mail, extra worship services to go to, and more.  This is all in addition to the usual work and daily tasks that don’t ever take a break.  It is no wonder that by the time Christmas break arrives I am exhausted and frazzled. 

So what does MY stress mean for my girls?  Well, don’t think that you can be stressed out as a parent and completely shield your children from the effects.  Children are often acutely aware of their parents’ emotional states.  They are wired for that sensitivity from birth.  So my girls may not know exactly what is on my mind, but they know when something is bothering or overwhelming me, and it can make them feel anxious, sensitive, and/or worried. 

Another way my stress effects them is that when I have a long to do list my energy and focus can become all about taking care of that list.  Before I know it, it’s evening time, and I’m wiped out.  One of my favorite sayings is “you can’t pour from a empty vessel.”  When I am under stress, how can I pour into my children?  You could say that a lot of the tasks I am doing are for them, but what’s the point if we aren’t taking the time to enjoy this wonderful season together? 

So I will diligently work on my Christmas to-do list, but I will not let it take over.  Maybe there might be a few less cookies made this year (unless the girls want to join me; then that would be fun!)  Maybe there will be one less party I attend, or maybe I will simply take the step of making sure that I go to bed on time so I can keep my vessel properly filled.  Whatever it is, I am going to do my best to keep stress from taking over.  Because this is Christmas.  It is a time of peace, joy, hope, and God’s unfailing love.  It is a time for family and friends.  So I wish you the most blessed and stress-free Christmas ever.  (Whew, now I get to check one more thing off my list!)