A case of the “I wants”

I love the holiday season, which in our family seems to last for months because the girls’ birthdays follow not long after Christmas.  The one thing I do not look forward to, though, is that this season of gifts seems to fuel the girls’ desire for more stuff at an alarming rate.  I call it having the “I wants” because when the girls are struck by them it seems to be the only phrase I hear.  Now don’t get me wrong, the “I wants” can happen at anytime.  They usually set in shortly after one of the girls sees an ad or a friend who has something fun or novel.  For example, we were having a play date and a friend’s older brother was looking at his baseball cards.  My 8-year-old daughter was fascinated and suddenly wanted baseball cards, too.  We DON’T EVEN WATCH BASEBALL.  I had to work hard to keep that one from driving me completely crazy.  The “I wants” are to be expected as children are naturally somewhat self-centered, but they can be dangerous if not held in check.  They can be the death of gratitude and the breeder of jealousy and entitlement.  They can steal children’s opportunity to feel satisfied and happy.  So what do you do when your child’s case of the “I wants” is getting out of control?  Here are some ideas on ways to tame them:

1) Don’t give your children everything they ask for, even if you can.  Getting everything you want, the moment you want it does not lead to satisfaction.  It just makes you want more.  Talk with your children about the difference between needs and wants.  Take care of needs, but often wants can wait.  You can ease the wait by having your children create a wish list that they can use for those upcoming holidays.  And model waiting for a want yourself! 

2) Consider giving your children an allowance that allows them to save up and satisfy those wants themselves.  Believe me, those baseball cards did not seem as interesting when I told her that she could choose to buy them herself!  Just make sure the allowance is age appropriate.  My 5 year old gets $1 a week, my 8 year old, $1.50, no strings attached.  If they want extra, then they have to earn it. 

3) Practice gratitude as a family, everyday.  Take turns at the dinner table or at bedtime thanking God for one blessing that you received that day.  Model finding blessings even when the day hasn’t been so great.  We happened to see a Muscular Dystrophy telethon on TV a couple of months ago and my 5 year old said, “My diabetes doesn’t seem so bad.  At least I can run and play like my friends.”  We don’t belittle her hardships, but we can still find a way to be grateful, and have compassion for others whose struggles seem far greater.

4) Take time together to notice the people in this world who would be grateful to simply have all of their needs met, and then make an effort to help them out.  We listen to the KLTY Christmas Wish on the radio each year and talk about the stories that we hear.  Then we take the time to make a donation to help them make more wishes come true.

I don’t think there is a complete cure for the “I wants”, but I hope that with these tips you find that the condition is manageable.  If you have found other methods that work for your family, please e-mail me your ideas, and I will pass them on!  In the meantime, I hope your holidays are filled with many blessings, great and small, and not TOO much new stuff.

When they flip their lids… Part 2

So I left you hanging last time!  I explained that when our children become upset, the thinking/reasoning part of their brain could be hijacked by the emotional/reactive part of their brain.  They flip their lids.  I explained that when lids are flipped, being reasonable and logical is not helpful, and could even make things worse.  I said that when they have flipped their lids, you have to communicate with the part of the brain you have access to.  So what does that mean?  It means that you have to connect with your children’s emotions in order to help them calm their emotional response and re-engage their cortex.  The good news is that it can be very simple to do, but requires practice and patience.

First, don’t flip your lid, too!  Two limbic systems going at each other is not a pretty sight!  Becoming angry, emotional, and reactive yourself will only escalate the situation.  Take a deep breath (or several) and don’t let yourself be pulled into the emotional storm.  This is not always easy to do, especially when your child’s emotional reaction is directed at you, but it is very important. 

Second, take a moment to connect using your eyes and through touch.  Look at your children, preferably in their eyes.  Get down on their level.  Offer soothing touch, such as a gentle hand on their arm or leg, or ask if they would like a hug.  For some children it is exactly what they need to begin the calming process.  Some children do not like to be touched when upset, so do not force it, but do make the offer.  It will likely be exactly what they need when they have become calm again. 

Third, reflect feelings.  This is a way of showing understanding and empathy, without necessarily showing agreement.  Look at what your child is saying and doing, and pick a feeling word that fits.  Then make a simple statement telling your child how you think they feel.  Avoid phrasing it as a question (you are trying to communicate understanding, and questions show a lack of understanding.)  That’s it.  You aren’t trying to fix anything, or change how they are feeling; you are simply showing understanding so they can begin to calm themselves.

This is what it looks like.  I left you last month with a scene of my youngest sobbing on the floor because she had changed her mind about wanting to go on an errand with her father and sister, after they had already left.  So (after my deep breath,) I knelt down on the floor and set my hand on her back and asked if she wanted a hug.  She climbed into my lap and I held her.  I said, “You are so sad that Daddy and Sissy left.”  “Yes! They left me!” she yelled.  Then I said, “You are mad. (Pause) You are disappointed.  You changed your mind, but it was too late.  (Pause)  You just feel like crying.”  Then I held her for several moments while she cried.  Slowly she started to calm down.  She asked for a story, and then went to play.  She even said, “Next time, I’m going to choose to go.”  Her lid was back on, and she was being reasonable, without any logic from me!  And, yes, this works equally well with older children, and even adults!

For more information on parenting strategies with brain science in mind, try reading The Whole-Brain Child by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

When they flip their lids…

So my youngest was laying on the floor sobbing.  Her father and sister just left to go on an errand.  Right before they left she chose not to go, but now she had changed her mind.  It was too late, and she was really, really unhappy about it.  Part of me was feeling exasperated.  She had chosen to stay home.  There was nothing that could be done now.  They were gone.  I was thinking, she is not being reasonable.  Then the counselor part of me said, that’s right, she’s not being reasonable right now, because she can’t.  She’s flipped her lid.

So what is flipping her lid?  It has to do with how the brain works, and the best way to explain it is to use the hand model of the brain.  Make a fist, but instead of having your thumb on top, curl it in and tuck it under your fingers.  You are now looking at a brain!  Turn your hand toward you.  You are looking at your fingers curled over the top of your thumb.  This is the pre-frontal cortex and cortex area of the brain.  It is the thinking, reasoning, and logical part of your brain.  In children this is the area that is the most “under construction,” and the younger they are the less finished it is.  Now lift up your fingers.  There is your thumb.  That is the limbic area of the brain.  It is the emotional center of the brain.  It is also where fight, flight, and freeze reactions come from.  This area is in charge of survival in dangerous situations, and because of that, it has the power to highjack the thinking and reasoning part of the brain. 

Powerful emotions in the limbic system will “flip” off the thinking and reasoning cortex, and so people will become highly unreasonable and reactive.  This is even more true for children since their connections in the cortex are still developing.  This means that trying to be reasonable and logical (i.e. trying to explain to an upset child why they should not be upset or telling them what they should be doing to fix their problem) is ineffective.  You simply do not have access to that part of the brain.  In fact, trying to reason with a person’s limbic system is likely to make them even more upset!

So what do you do when your children have flipped their lids?  You have to communicate with the part of the brain that you have access to.  You have to connect with their emotions.  How do you do that?  Well… look for the answer in next month’s Nurturing the Nest!  In the meantime, check out Dr. Dan Seigel’s wonderful explanation of the hand model of the brain in the video below.

​More Important Than the Backpack…

There we were, school was just around the corner, and we had begun the preparations.  New backpacks and lunch boxes were chosen.  Shoes were on order.  Uniforms had been checked for fit.  Upcoming school events had been added to the calendar.  I’d done what I could to get my girls what they needed for the start of this new school year.  But all of these preparations, this providing what was needed, had left me pondering… What do my children really need from me this year? 

You see, this is the first year that both of my children will be in school 5 days a week, and I had been struck by the reality that I will be spending more time apart from my children than I will with them.  Time together had suddenly become precious.  As a professional child counselor, I know that quality time spent between parent and child has a multitude of benefits: increased positive feelings, decreased conflict, increased cooperation, increased willingness to share problems, increased trust, decreased anxiety, and much more. 

I also know that quality time is different than just time together.  I spend a lot of time with my kids making sure they are clean, fed, taken from one activity to the next, but that is not quality time.  Quality time is something special.  It is undivided attention.  It’s where you take a few moments to focus on your child and nothing else, no ulterior motive, no need to accomplish anything except to be with and enjoy.  Quality time is playing, wrestling, talking, listening, cuddling, etc.  I also believe that it is both the most important thing I can give my children, and the hardest thing to manage. 

In our busy lives, time is in short supply.  Now that school has started, it will be even harder to come by.  So I decided to make quality time a priority.  I will give 10 minutes every day of my undivided attention and time to each of my children.  That’s a total of 20 minutes each day to stay connected to the lives of my children.  They are going to need it, and quite frankly, so will I.  Whether your child has started Pre-K or high school, I invite you to join me in this challenge.  And 20 years from now, it will be what they remember most about this school year, well after the cool backpacks we just bought them have been forgotten.