We parents love it when our children are happy. Their smiles and laughter bring us joy, and we feel sad when they are upset. We have a strong urge to protect our children from uncomfortable feelings. I see it all of the time. It starts when your little child falls down and you say, “You are ok! See you’re not even bleeding.” Or maybe a toy gets broken and you say, “Don’t cry. It’s just a toy. We can get you another one.” We have the urge to fix or stop those uncomfortable feelings. But let me ask you; can we really make sure our children are happy all of the time? Even more than that, should we really try?
You see, when we get into the habit of stopping or fixing every uncomfortable feeling our children have, we begin to teach them that they are not ok unless they are feeling good. We miss the mark on showing them what TRUE happiness is all about. Studies done on adults who are considered “happy” show that true happiness is about resiliency and the ability to be content even when things are not perfect. Because the reality is we live in a flawed and imperfect world. Bad things WILL happen. There will be things that you cannot fix and cannot protect your children from. As an entire society we are learning this lesson as COVID-19 has changed our day to day lives in ways we never expected. The children and adults who are weathering this storm best are the ones who have learned that joy and contentment can continue to exist in the face of adversity.
Another problem we run into by constantly fixing unhappiness is that we teach our children that they are not responsible for their own happiness! They will blame you, others, and the world when they are not happy, and they will feel powerless to change it or face it themselves. It is hard to feel content or resilient when you feel helpless. There will be situations they cannot control, but that is different than feeling helpless. My own daughter has Type 1 Diabetes. That is not something I can make go away, no matter how hard I wish it. Instead, I help her focus on what she can control; how to care for herself so that she can do all of the things she loves.
So what do our children really need from us when they are unhappy? Step one, don’t rescue your children when they make a mistake or when things get hard. Instead, more than anything else, they need empathy and support. They need a hug. They need to hear that we see they are upset, and that can feel hard. Teach them to pray. Help them brainstorm about solutions. Help them decide what they need to do to either fix the situation for THEMSELVES or what will help them cope. Sometimes they will require your help, and that is ok. But only provide just enough to put them on the path to helping themselves. Do NOT tell them life is hard so suck it up. Instead, if you can give them empathy and support, they will see that, yes, life can be hard and sad, but I am loved and I can be ok. Then you will be helping your children learn contentment and resilience, which will set them on the path of true happiness. You will help them find that place where adversity exists but so does joy.